For fourteen years of my life, John has been in it. Year fifteen has begun. We got together on New Years or 2000. I have learned more about him in the past year than I had the previous thirteen years. How can you be married to a man, live with him, and spend all of you time with him when you are not at work and not know a thing about him? That is something I beat myself up over. I had to find the answer. I am an intelligent, educated woman with a wonderful career. When it comes to matters of the brain, I am great. I’m not boasting; I just know my mind. I continue to learn and expand my knowledge. When it comes to matters of the heart, I am not so good. I love the wrong people, trust the wrong people, and sometimes, I let my heart override my brain.
I ventured out in search of an answer. I began with researching child molestors. I wanted to know their traits to compare with him. It wasn’t quite adding up, but it was close. I learned about propensity evidence. That gave me the idea to Google his actions instead of what I had labeled him as. That took me down a completely different path. I found a blog here on WordPress called “The Ability to Love – Recovery from Psychopathic Abuse“. The first thing I read about was the SMEAR CAMPAIGN. It was as if somebody was watching me through a looking glass and writing everything she saw. I read more of her articles and the more I read, the more I understood why I did not know the man I married, who he really was, and what I had and still have to look forward to for years to come. I refuse to be broken forever and I refuse to allow the past fourteen years that were stolen from me to prevent me from living the rest of my life.
They are sicker than we are smart. ~ Sandra Brown, M.A.~author of “Women Who Love Psychopaths”.
Everything he ever said was a lie. I saw him with his mask on for thirteen years; thirteen years of my life vanished from my mind. None of it was real, not the parts that he was in and THAT is a lot of parts. Over a decade of life had been stolen from me. I can only imagine what my children must feel for having their entire childhood stripped away from them and how they must look at me for never even noticing their pain. How can I, a loving, devoted, and overbearing mother, not notice that my children were being harmed and needed help? My children tell me that it is not my fault. They tell me not to feel guilty, how much love I gave them, and how my love helped them through. It is hard not to feel guilty, but I am working on it. Last year, his took his mask off. I could not believe that was the same man I had been married to. He became vile, vicious, and relentless with attacks. Never have I seen a monster so ugly that the sight of him makes me want to tear my eyes out. I began to profile him to see exactly what he was.
Last year, I saw him with his mask off. He is the ugliest monster I have ever seen. I began to profile him to see exactly what he was. I found the term “Narcissist” in some text messages between my daughter Cynthia and him. She called him that. I looked it up for the exact meaning. Personality Disorder. There was a list of traits, most of which fit. The term fit. The blog fit. Narcissistic Sociopath was next on my research list. I found an informational site on abusers and found what I was looking for. It was all there. That was him. I had his profile.
What you Need to Know – by Mary M. Alward
That is my abuser, my children’s abuser, their extended family’s abuser and everyone who comes into contact with him’s abuser. He has never laid a hand on me. It was all mental and emotional. My first husband laid a hand on me. He only hit me once. There were other physical acts of violence. I left after the first hit. I did some healing and I moved past it. I sitll love him. I still wish things had been different. The physical abuse I suffered now seems like a walk in the park. It didn’t mess with my head or make me want to erase the entire marriage. I knew who he was. He never wore a mask. He might be an ass, but he has always been honest. These emotional and mental games and assaults John inflicted on me, I didn’t even know it was happening. It has had a serious effect on my head. They say physical abuse heals quickly, but mental and emotional abuses are difficult to overcome. I can now say they were not lying. I now know who and what I was married to. I’ll be demonstrating each item on that list while I dispell all of his lies.
Profile your abuser so you know exactly what you are dealing with. Do not get blindsided.
~Mel, Saved by God’s Grace